


In the depths of the mind

by TooSel



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Ambiguity, Hallucinations, M/M, Mental Disintegration, Mental Instability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-06-01 02:38:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6497557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TooSel/pseuds/TooSel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"In the depths of the mind insane fantasy and reality are the same."</p><p> <em>There'd been a time when Bilbo had lived without Thorin; a long, long time ago.</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	In the depths of the mind

Bilbo Baggins knew from a young age that he belonged to a particular group of people. People who were born with a heaviness where the heart should sit. Who grew up with a shadow clinging to their bones from the day they could walk, following them everywhere.

Bilbo had never known anything else, and so he didn't fight it. Never questioned at all that, because of it, he'd been alone all his life. Alone in spirit, alone in the things he felt and the world he lived in, the world nobody else could get through to.

But then he'd met Thorin. And Thorin had changed everything. Thorin was light. Thorin was goodness. Thorin was _sense;_ order in a world of utter chaos.

Thorin made him let go of all that was bad.

But Thorin wasn't always there, and sometimes, sometimes Bilbo remembered.

 

There'd been a time when Bilbo had lived without Thorin. Yes, he remembered it all too clearly, the nagging emptiness, the loneliness sitting in his bones for days on end, the feeling of incomplete--

 

Thorin was always there. Not when he wanted him, but when he needed him to. He was there on the edges, sometimes at the centre, in and around Bilbo. Filling him up. Giving him what he needed to hold on. Giving him a purpose.

And sometimes, rarely, smiling at him, with his delicate lips and those kind, gleaming eyes Bilbo could never get enough of.

And Thorin smiling – that was beautiful.

Made him forget all about the pain. The heaviness. The fear. Always the fear, sitting in the empty spaces, following him everywhere he went-

 

But that'd been before Bilbo had met Thorin.

 

With Thorin, it was... different. It was so easy to be with him. Without any restrictions, Bilbo could be completely, utterly, thoroughly himself.

With Thorin, he felt whole. There wasn't a part of him that didn't feel loved when he was with him, that didn't feel right. With Thorin, he forgot that he'd ever been hurting at all.

 

Bilbo knew that he wasn't the only one who was hurting, though.

Thorin hadn't come to him without a story. Each time he visited, Bilbo got to know him better, got closer to him in ways he couldn't have imagined before. So much closer. So close, all the time.

 

There'd been a time when Bilbo had lived without Thorin, but Bilbo didn't like to think of that.

The loneliness still crept up on him at times, when Thorin wasn't there, when Bilbo was left to battle the darkness on his own, reminding him of the days when Thorin hadn't been with him yet.

Sometimes, Thorin was gone for days. Bilbo hated those days. He wandered around the house, too weary to go out, to restless to stay inside. It was too quiet like this. There was nothing to keep the thoughts out, to keep him from getting caught up in them. Nothing was able to do that, not in the way Thorin could.

Thorin was different. Thorin was so, so special.

Bilbo missed him when he wasn't there. Bilbo missed him every time, because every time it felt like he took a part of Bilbo with him.

What Bilbo would do to fall asleep beside him each night, to wake up next to him each day-

But most of the time, he was gone by morning, the other side of the bed left untouched yet again. Sometimes he returned during the day. Sometimes he didn't.

Bilbo wished Thorin would just stay and never leave. He never did. Maybe, one day, he would.

 

Bilbo had debated whether to take Thorin out into the world, but an ugly sensation spread in his stomach at the thought.

He was _his_. He was his entirely, and he wouldn't see that changed.

Not that anyone'd understand him - really, truly get him, anyway. 

People didn't get Thorin, just like nobody really got Bilbo. It was why he preferred to stay inside these days. On his own. Just him and Thorin. Him and Thorin. Thorin-

 

His mother would have understood, Bilbo was sure of that. She would have liked Thorin, once she'd just gotten to know him. Of course she'd have worried about Bilbo, as she always had.

Don't take this too far, Bilbo. Don't overdo it, she would have said.

Bilbo thought of her as he wandered through the house, waiting for Thorin to come like he always did when Bilbo was sad, _too far, too far, too far_ echoing in his head.

Thorin came and the words dissolved. It wasn't real. Wasn't real.

He only remembered them again when Thorin was gone again, a long while later. He'd stayed a long time. He often stayed a long time, these days. Bilbo liked it.

He liked it.

 

Bilbo noticed that Thorin came by more often than he'd done before, too. Bilbo pondered on whether that was as good a thing as he felt it to be when he saw Thorin again. Bilbo stepped into Thorin's touch, into the welcoming warmth, and

Bilbo

forgot.

 

There'd been a time when Bilbo had lived without Thorin, he was sure. There must have been. But the lines were beginning to blur between before and after and really, he wasn't so sure he remembered a _before,_ not when Thorin looked at him, gave him one of these smiles that could light up the whole air around them, the whole world, all of Bilbo's bones and all the spaces in between.

 

Thorin's light was all around him. All around, around, inside him.

 

They were one. Were they not one? Were they not one and the same, when Thorin devoured Bilbo whole - left him bodyless, skinless, boneless, and Bilbo let him?

He wanted him to.

He let him.

 

There'd been a time when Bilbo had lived without Thorin, a long, long time ago.

 

Thorin had never lived without Bilbo.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I'm not actually dead! I just wanted to get this idea out of my head before I started a bigger story and for some reason it took me actual ages, but here it is at last!  
> As always, English isn't my native language and this isn't beta'd, correction and any kind of comments are more than appreciated!


End file.
